Voluntary Solitude

i relied on you for so long. you were my other half. i think you still are, in fact. but when you left (no fault of your own, i left once too) i needed to learn to be strong by myself. so much happened when you were gone, my mom's health problems, my dad's health problems, depression, loneliness.....i guess i just realized i could do it alone. and i need that. i need to know that i am strong enough, and i am ME enough to be okay. if someone leaves me again, i will be alright. and when you came back things were different. you can't deny it. i can't either. as much as i wanted things to be the same, they weren't. they aren't. i came to see all of the bad along with the good. i don't want to be treated like an inferior again. every time i let someone in, it happens that way. i'm not inferior. and i won't let anyone make me feel that way anymore. remember all the things i taught you? well, now you are teaching me, and i thank you for that. part of growing up i guess. still hurts, though. a whole hell of a lot. but at least i feel like this is a growing hurt. not in terms of it getting bigger, but in the sense that i am growing inside of the hurt. in spite of it. i need the hurt. i need to grow. i can't let you, or anyone, make me happy right now. and i can't let you make me sad. only i have that power now. at least for this moment. and that is how it needs to be.